


'Cause We made a Promise

by deanisbiandsoami



Series: Why? JUst why did I come up with this? [13]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Barely any Comfort, Beta'd, Emotional Hurt, Established Relationship, Hurt Dean Winchester, M/M, PAAAAAIIIIN, Song Inspired, errr, writer!Cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-17
Updated: 2014-06-17
Packaged: 2018-02-05 01:39:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1800736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deanisbiandsoami/pseuds/deanisbiandsoami
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Insipred by 'No Surrender' (because I love the song since the memorial episode of Glee for Cory) I don't know who it's origanally from.</p><p>Dean and Cas both don't have easy lives, so of course they become best friend and hang out a lot... kinred spirits and all that, you know soulmates, forever together, right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	'Cause We made a Promise

**Author's Note:**

> (Read with care this is evil. My lovely beta 'HufflepuffsAngel' called it as heart-wrenching as TFiOS... I wouldn't say so)

Dean loved these hours when he and Cas just drove away from the school with Dean's guitar in the trunk. He'd drive somewhere in the middle of nowhere and they could just sing and talk.

 

Castiel talked about his father being gone for weeks on end and his mother’s condition steadily deteriorating, and about how his siblings were no help at all. He cried against Dean's chest as his brother Lucifer had finally ran away, blaming their father for every bad thing in their lives. Even their mother's illness. Dean calmed him down when the stress piled on Cas became too much and he became angry. Dean was Cas' silver lining when his mother was hospitalized and there really seemed to be no happiness left in his life. Dean was his savior.

 

Dean gladly received the punches when his father found out that he was skipping classes. He gladly listened to the insults and took the beating if it meant that Cas had someone to come to, to cry and to laugh with.

He never told Cas about his father, not until he couldn't hide it anymore because that's just who Dean was and that's what he's been taught ever since he was four. Don't tell anyone. Don't bitch. Be selfless.

 

It was a sunny weekend and Cas had already called multiple times. Dean didn't want to open the door, or talk to him and lie, because couldn't hide his injuries this time: he had a blackened eye and a split lip, not to forget the bruises on his stomach and ribs. Then there was a knock at the door.

 

"DEAN!" John growled from the couch and Dean was in too much pain to resist him even though he really wanted to. He pulled himself up from his bed and slowly made his way downstairs. He knew it probably was Cas and that was just another reason not to go.

As he opened the door, Dean saw Cas' shocked expression as he took in Dean's face. Dean bit his lip and looked down, pulling Cas inside and closing the door.

 

"Dean-" Cas said softly. Dean looked quickly at his father's disgusted glare and then pulled Castiel up to his room.

 

"Hi, Cas." He said as they sat down on his bed. Cas brought a hand up to cup his face.

 

"Why did you never tell me?" Castiel asked aghast. Dean smiled and took his hand.

 

"You have your own problems, it's no use making you suffer mine too." Dean said. Cas looked down at their joined hands.

 

"But you suffer under all my problems." Castiel protested and Dean leaned a bit closer.

 

"I'm not suffering because I get to wrap my arms around you and make you laugh. It's not suffering when I get a few hours of happiness and freedom." He looked up at Cas wanly. "And it's worth any pain it causes”. Cas' eyes snapped up at him.

 

"What?" He asked. Dean bit his lip.

 

"Skipping class with you." Dean said. "And if my father finds out, he…" Dean let the implication hang in the air.

 

"God Dean, I'm so sorry!" Castiel gasped, horrified. Dean smiled weakly.

 

"Don't be, Cas." Dean said, cupping Cas' jaw and rubbing a thumb over his skin. "I'll always be here for you, Cas. Remember? No retreat. No surrender."

Cas nodded fervently but argued: "That promise works both ways, Dean. I want you to tell me when he hurts you and I want to hold you and calm you down and make you laugh… and I want to kiss you." Dean's mouth opened a bit at the last words.

 

"Cas-" He started and Castiel blushed, turning his head away. Dean turned it back gently and leant closer, pressing their lips together.

 

Two years later Dean was sitting in the audience as Cas received his degree from the principal. Dean hadn't gotten enough points to pass and so he was stuck for another year. Stuck in Lawrence where his father was beating him. He didn't even want to go home anymore.

 

He had a broken rib and a few bruises the day Cas left for his fancy college in the Rocky mountains but he’d be damned if he didn’t drive him to the airport himself.

 

 "Don't forget me." Dean said, wrapping his arms around Cas' neck. Cas smiled and pressed a kiss to his lips.

 

"No Retreat." Castiel said and Dean smiled, putting a hand to Cas' heart.

 

"No Surrender." Dean answered and as Castiel took his hand, Dean recalled how they had become blood brothers.

Dean had cut his hand on a broken bottle – or rather had cut his hand protecting his face from the broken bottle his father was wielding, as Cas later learned - and while pulling out one of the pieces of glass Cas cut his finger, bleeding into Dean's wound. They'd laughed for a long time then and when Cas had carefully extracted all pieces of glass, he took Dean's hand and looked him in the eye saying their secret promise like a prayer.

 

"And you're really okay with this?" Cas asked once more, pulling him back to the present.

 Dean nodded.

 "As long as you don't forget about me." Dean replied and Cas just kissed him again.

 

"I swear to you, Dean Winchester. I will always remember you and our promise." Dean pressed their foreheads together.

 

"I love you." He said.

 

"I love you too."

 

 

A year later, Dean is graduating high school. He finally did it and he's proud beyond his own belief… and then he's up on the stage getting his degree and he as looks out at the crowd, his hope falters.

Cas isn't there.

 

He didn't expect him to be. It's been almost three months since they last talked and weeks since Cas last texted him. Dean doesn't know why Cas stopped answering him, he just knows that it fucking hurts when he sends him 'No Retreat' and a week later there is still no reply.

 

Dean doesn't see Cas for the next ten years and somewhere along the way, his irreparable heart-break and sadness turn into burning anger. He still doesn't hate Castiel, he loves him more than anything.

 

Dean's working when he hears Cas' name for the first time in a decade. Bobby is talking to a frequent customer of the garage.

 

"No, his new book! It's amazing." The customer says. "It's so heart-breaking."

 

"Yeah, I don't know, the gory stuff is more my style, what was his name again?" Bobby asked gruffly.

 

"Castiel Novak."  The customer answers cheerily.

 Dean’s head snaps up from his work and he almost has a heart attack. He hasn't been confronted with thoughts about Cas in a long time and his heart is being assaulted once more with all the feelings he tried to bury.

Dean asks Bobby to be able to leave early and goes to the nearest bookstore.

It's there on a gigantic stand right in the middle.

A big pile of 'Last Goodbye'.

The cover is a picture of an emerald and a sapphire sinking into the sea or a lake. Dean's heart aches when he reads 'Castiel Novak' on the bottom of the cover. He slowly approaches the stand and picks up a copy, opening the book.

 

His heart almost stops once more when he reads the author's note.

_“I admit that this kind of book is somewhat out of my style, but I just had to write this. I had to get it out of me and write it down so it wouldn't eat me up any longer. This is somewhat autobiographical and inspired by a mistake I made ten years ago. I broke a promise that I shouldn't have broken._

_No Retreat._

_No Surrender.”_

 

Dean stares at the little letters and then quickly turns the book reading the summary, his heart thundering in his chest.

_“Emmanuel tries to forget everything about his past: the abuse, the sadness, the depression… But how is he supposed to forget all the horrors of his childhood home when the person he loves most reminds him of every hit he ever received, every time he cried and every time he wanted to kill himself.”_

 

Dean bites his lip and goes to pay for the book.

 

"You know if you like this, the author is giving an autograph session here next week." The sales associate says as he scans the book. Dean nods idly still stunned by the events of the day.

He was sure he wouldn't go… but that was before he read the book.

 

With every page he understood more why Castiel would shut him out like that. He cried a lot reading it, simply because he heard Castiel's pain in every word, felt his tears.

 

He was standing in line for the autographs, his heart racing, chewing on his lip. What the hell was he doing here? There was only a two people left in front of him and he saw finally Castiel. He was still so impossibly beautiful, with his sapphire eyes and dark curly hair, unbound by the rules of physics, and his long slender fingers and his long lashes and pink lips. He had a dark scruff that was almost a beard and Dean thought it suited him. He was still staring at Castiel when the man in front of him stepped aside and Castiel looked up at him, his eyes going wide.

 

"Hello." Dean said, his voice shaky. He handed Castiel his copy, open on the page of the dedication “ _You know who you are_ ” under which Dean had scribbled  _“I never knew you felt that way”._  He saw Cas' Adam's apple bob as he swallowed and read. Castiel took the book with shaky hands and wrote a message quickly before signing.

 

"Thank you...I mean for reading the book." Cas said and cleared his throat, his voice was still amazingly low. Dean nodded.

 

"It's really good." Dean said honestly and stepped aside. He only re-opened his copy once he was safely back in his car.

 

_“I'm so sorry Dean, could you ever forgive me? 912-555-346”_

 

Dean closed his eyes for a moment. But he still couldn’t find it in himself to disappoint Cas even after all this time. So he took and his phone and typed:

_“The Impala is a little down the road.”_

 

Then Dean was freaking out again, his heart racing and his hands sweating. He wasn't ready for this! He was not sure he could even talk to Cas without breaking down in tears.

 

But before he could even start the engine or tell Cas not to come, the passenger door opened and Cas slid in.

 

"You still have her." He pointed out quietly. Dean nodded stiffly. He wasn't strong enough to look at Cas yet or even trust his own voice not to shake.

 

"Listen Dean, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have ended us like that… you deserved a goodbye." Cas said hesitantly. Dean snorted.

 

"Is that what this is?" He asked, finally looking at Cas properly and beginning to feel tears threatening against his eyes. "A goodbye?"

 

"Yes, Dean. I told you I'm-"

 

"Dammit Cas, I don't want a goodbye." Dean hissed, trying to blink away the tears. "I want to hate you." He said, his voice breaking.

 

"Dean…" Cas breathed, his expression agonised but guilty.

 

"No, Cas. Do you have any idea how much you hurt me? How often I asked myself, what I did wrong? How often I tried to hate you simply because loving you was too damn painful? How fucking often I thought that my father was right, that I was worth nothing? Because how could I be worth something if  _you_  left me? If I wasn't enough for you then how could I matter at all?"

There was no use stopping the tears now.

 

"Dean-" Cas protested again but Dean just shook his head.

 

"If you say sorry once more, I swear to god I'm gonna kick you out of this car." Dean growled.

 

"I love you." Cas said instead. Dean felt his anger thaw a little.

 

"Then why can't you just stay?" Dean asked.

 

"I wrote a whole damn book about that, Dean." Cas said with a half-smile.

 

"Say it to my face." Dean said. Cas licked his lips, as though preparing his words.

 

"When I look at you, I see my past looking back. I see all the things I ran away from and all the things I just want to forget." Cas said.

 

"But why don't you see all the hours we spent together, singing and kissing? Why do you have to remember the pain instead of the love?" Dean asked. "Because when _I_  look at you, I see the person I love most in this world. The one man who made me believe that I deserve to be loved. Remembering who you were, makes me believe that nothing my father ever said is true."

 

"I just can't look at it like that." Castiel said miserably.

 

"Retreat." Dean accused, his tone venomous. "That's what you're doing. Retreating. You write about how you  _know_  you shouldn't have broken the promise but you're  _still_  doing it, Cas. You're running and you’re retreating."

 

"I know that Dean. I can't do anything about it."

 

"Then you are not the man I love… Emmanuel is not you. You can be stronger, you can love and you can be damned proud that you escaped that stupid life in Lawrence and became a damn best-selling author. Nothing in your past can have power over you Cas, just because you remember it doesn't mean you have given in!" Dean shouted. He took a deep breath and took Cas’ hand.

 

"This." He breathed, entwining their fingers. "You and me. That’s what's important about your past, this is what matters. Don't you dare forget how to be the man I fell for." Castiel looked down at their hands.

 

"Dean-"

 

"Don't say you can't do it because I know you damn well can." Dean interrupted him.

 

"Thank you." Castiel said and Dean smiled.


End file.
